24.

I'm learning about becoming a big kid. An adult, I guess you could call it. 

You see, two scenarios can occur when I enter a grocery store. Scenario #1... I meander the aisles, checking my list, planning meals in my mind, daydreaming about a future of deciding between carrot sticks or Gushers for a houseful of hungry children, thinking about how blessed I am to live a life where there even is a choice of vegetables or fruit snacks. This awareness of blessing draws my mind to begging children and less than meager fruit stands in places I love to visit, or even immerse myself in. I come to, finding my cart halted in the aisle, my mind having wandered to the great poverties of the world, and whether I should buy these groceries anyway. That, my friends, is my successful and frustrating "ADULT" shopping trip. 

Scenario #2: the FRIVOLOUS, FUN trips! The ones where I feel like a kid. Maybe a college kid, but still a kid. Joe & I are spontaneously having people over, I pick up the DiGiorno, ignore my attempts at balanced meals, realize I'm out of hair spray, see some Sour Patch Kids that Joe would really like, and get in line. I look in my basket at these random provisions, peer over my shoulder, and see that mid-30's mom with a cart full to bursting. Does she see me? Does she think that I'm 19? Does she know that my life is far more mature than 19- that I have graduated from my "free as a bird" college days and have a real husband, real demands, a real budget, a real life? Does she know that I am really an adult?! 

Sooo, I linger. Clearly I desire the simplicity of youth. I'm not so ready to give up the "eat when I want, what I want, with whomever I want" way of life. Clearly I also desire to be seen as mature, responsible, and transitioning seamlessly into others-centered adulthood. I'm going to venture and say boldly to myself: NEITHER MATTERS! 

My 20's don't always make sense. I can sit in important business meetings, AND I can eat frozen yogurt for dinner. I can have a spur of the moment picnic with my husband, AND I can consider selling all I have for the sake of the poor. Welcome to the balance.

You see, I am beginning to think that adulthood simply means choosing who you are going to be and living in to it.  I am committed to choosing people over tasks, and even choosing joyful celebration as often as possible over routine and structure. I hope that continues for the rest of my life. At the same time, I long, more than almost anything, to become increasingly selfless. To start small. To put something back on the shelf and buy a struggling friend dinner. To be willing to share a meal with a fatherless child instead of with my five favorite friends. I'm making choices about who I am going to be.

For today, I'm not going to choose one or the other. This is the day that the Lord has made... I will rejoice, be glad, and live into it! Adult. Or Kid. For now, we'll just settle on 24 year old. 

12 Then he turned to his host. “When you put on a luncheon or a banquet,” he said, “don’t invite your friends, brothers, relatives, and rich neighbors. For they will invite you back, and that will be your only reward. 13 Instead, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. 14 Then at the resurrection of the righteous, God will reward you for inviting those who could not repay you.” Luke 14:12-14